Laugh, Laugh, Laugh

Beware Chicken Lovers
Dedication: For those who love to eat CHICKEN!!!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they brought chicken sandwiches everyday! This went on all through 4th and 5th grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it. "Why?", he asked. She pointed to her lap and said, "cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay." So she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right, you are, better not eat anymore chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandiwches until one day, he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look so he pulled down his trousers for her. She said, "Oh my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzard!!!!!!"

How to Tell You're Addicted to Coffee

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You've worn out your 3rd pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your denture in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You Ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Talk from the Men's Restroom

"Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the next guy to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes, I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just stat spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into the bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married for 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I'm required to sit down and pee. She had convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or feel right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become much good friends and you think I'm such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you as it is a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded "morning wood."

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So it means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet with a fuzzy. It's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation with my wife. I told her.. look, it won't bend. She said, "So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."

OK. I tried to sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a good deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness but, there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just "mother nature."

Rules Men Wish Women Knew

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
• Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
• Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons why guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
• Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Valentines are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as Navel Lint, the shotgun information and monster trucks.
• Sunday=sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
• No, We do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
• Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
• Most guys own 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Yes and no are acceptable ansewrs to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
• A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
• Check your oil.
• Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anthing we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like Soap Opera Guys.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• Let us Ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say what you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Colombus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing wonderbras and low-cut blouses loose thier right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• More women should wear wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
• The relationship is never going to be like the first two months we were going out.
• All men see only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
• Pumpkin is also a fruit.
• If it itches, it will be scratched.
• BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• We are not mind readers and we never will. OUr lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but, it is not worth the hassle.
• If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. Do not worry, the fantasy includes YOU and HER together!