Lately

Lately, I’ve been struggling and fighting with my inner demons. Depression has been my nemesis since God knows when. I've always fought with depression in various degrees of mildness or severity, since I can remember. Even as a kid, I found myself always the odd one out, attempting to exist in a place that didn't understand me, and instead of asking, it was just assumed that what and who I am was simply wrong. People close to me never made me feel loved. They were too critical about everything about me, that there were times when I felt it was a big mistake that I existed. Boy, I was glad to grow up! I hated being a kid. I was a kid when I felt most rejected, unloved, shamed and humiliated.

Since I move back to the Philippines, I felt abandoned by the very people that I thought were my friends, some closer still... more like family. It's funny how moving away and being here has brought so much clarity. Not that the picture is pretty. I've been used, manipulated, and tossed aside by some of the most amazing people I thought I knew. Even now, I can't convince myself to hate them, though trust me, I wish I could. Some days I wish I had a dick so I can slap them with my 3-inch limpy DICK! Well, I’m not exactly gay, but I was just trying to make a point. I'm not the kind of person who can live with negativity. I believe that life’s too short to worry about stupid shit. There are better things to worry about. The voices in my head tell me that I could fall into a deep depression, not leave my bed in three days or the house in weeks, but the rational and saner side of me tells me that letting myself fall into a crevice of my own making is not going to do me any good or make me feel any better.

I don’t doubt that I am a great person; I have been told that I am a loving person, and I’m pretty easy going , loads of fun (the definition of party itself) and relatively nice, but to be fair, I do not understand others well sometimes, or perhaps it is simply that I do not read others well. Perhaps they are the different sides of exactly the same coin. Confusion and chaos inevitably reign when I start reading in between the lines, or start making assumptions, so I've learned to trust my gutt and lean on hard facts.

A friendship, much like a relationship of any other kind, needs to be nurtured, cared for, and needs to be paid close attention to. The distance shouldn’t even be an issue, if one truly cares enough. Some very smart people invented computers and the internet, mobile phones, and even the good ole fashion snail mail still exist, you know.

I hate opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable except when it comes to the people I love, but very very slowly, I am opening up to the changes; the different people around me, the different way of life here, the different routine. There's always room for new friends or acquaintances, but I reserve VIP rooms for old friends, the friends I have now, the people I care about, and the one I love.